"I have reached the point where I have now prayed to every single god I don’t believe in. I have bargained with life and have spent the best part of my week lying on my back"
I felt this in my soul!!! Girl you are my Soul Sister!! I'm telling you!! I have been there...I'm still there!! Right now as we speak but they refuse to give me any painkillers because in my country they give you Tylenol for a kidney stone 😑 unless your dying
This article is sooo well written!! I loved every single second of my read!! You described everything i have wanted to describe about pain that I wish I could but can't!!
I love how you ended it! There is a beauty in pain...It's bittersweet!! It's a teacher that no one wants and a lesson that hurts to learn!!
I have learned to cope with physical pain by relaxing into it...I learned the more I fought the pain the worse the pain felt, because we tense up and stiffen up
So i learned to lay down close my eyes and embrace it ...let it wash over me like the waves washes over me in the ocean...and I allow every part of it to cover me...and I don't struggle...It's the only thing that actually lessons the pain for me
Is for me to acknowledge and allow it to be there...and not struggle...even though my brain wants to...I let the pain hug me like a passionate lovers demanding hold
And cover me like a blanket!! Then slowly slowly slowly it eases to a more bearable degree not gone, not erased but bareable
Oh dear undiagnosed autistic girl "without a backbone"... I may be projecting here, but exhausting yourself by bending over backwards in an attempt to become someone that others find palatable, useful, needed... well, that was just us following the rules patriarchy set out and polite society expected. It takes time, and pain, to break free of the faulty and harmful rules we were once conditioned to obey.
Also, your writing is utterly beautiful. This is an understatement, but I don't have you way with words! x
Thank you. And yes, it doesn’t work. The only way forward is authenticity and living a life that’s true to you regardless of what anyone else expects you to be. I’m done changing myself to make other people comfortable.
This is very much besides the point of your essay, which I appreciate for it's grit and integrity, but I'm curious what you meant by "a man who doesn't love men." It almost sounds like you fell in love with someone who couldn't love you in return, but I'm not sure that's what you meant. It reminds me so much of myself, but I don't want to assume.
Okay! We are on the same page :) so, I've never suffered from chronic pain, but my childhood trauma fueled a desperation for convincing drug addicts to get clean. I believed that my unwavering devotion and care would eventually save them from whatever they were trying to numb, and that I would be special for doing it. I was "real," as you put it: the one who took real time to understand their real fears and offer real support and real love. It's painful to think that's what I believed back then. What a waste of everyone's time and energy. Talk about a REAL maladaptive coping mechanism. It wasn't until I looked inward at my own pain instead of focusing on other people's (particularly boys who used drugs, because I was in high school with daddy issues at the time), that I allowed my pain to have a voice. And she was fucking angry. Anyway, I appreciate your line "security and numbness are not the antidote we think they are" because I used to think this was very literal, that numbness came directly from getting drunk or high. After therapy, I realized that my form of security (perfectionism) and my form of numbness (outward focus on others) were also destructive (just different). While in therapy, my pain shifted. Pain became discomfort. Discomfort meant change, which meant I was moving away from my maladaptive mechanisms. It took faith to believe things would be better when it felt so damn uncomfortable. But, it worked. The therapy techniques that worked for me allowed my brain to work with itself instead of against me. Chronic pain, however, must be an entirely different beast, but maybe it's similar to mental trauma. Something vital to our being is wounded, and it fucking hurts. The pain can be touch and go (like nerve pain, I've heard. I believe you described it well: a kiss of something sharp that was over before it ever really began). If that isn't nerve pain, let me know. Other pain is seemingly permanent. It's a dull pain that exists in the background, lurking. My comment is very long now, and I'm sorry for that! Thank you, though, for sparking these thoughts for me. I hope your back pain eases up soon.
Thank you for sharing this Jennie. It is amazing how much childhood trauma shapes us. And I resonate so much with using perfectionism and an outward focus on others as another method of moving away from ourselves. And the anger hiding behind the pain - most definitely.
I’m so glad that you found value in therapy and that it’s helped you to work with yourself.
I always describe the mental part of chronic pain the most difficult for me, personally. Like yes, there’s physical pain sharp and swift but also coupled with an ever-present dull ache and restricted movement in my own case. But there’s also the isolation of pacing and trying to breathe through it at 3am completely alone. I have a really supportive partner and incredible people around me, but unless someone has been through the same thing, they can’t relate which makes it even more isolating.
So what do you do with it then? In my case, it’s see the value in it. Pain narrows your focus to what is really important. It cuts through the bullshit so you can clearly see what’s working and what’s not, what’s supporting your physical/mental/emotional health and what’s not.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. This is exactly why I came to Substack and thank you for the well wishes!
I’ve suffered pain, too, and sat with it until it revealed information that changed me. Thanks for sharing this piece.
"I have reached the point where I have now prayed to every single god I don’t believe in. I have bargained with life and have spent the best part of my week lying on my back"
I felt this in my soul!!! Girl you are my Soul Sister!! I'm telling you!! I have been there...I'm still there!! Right now as we speak but they refuse to give me any painkillers because in my country they give you Tylenol for a kidney stone 😑 unless your dying
This article is sooo well written!! I loved every single second of my read!! You described everything i have wanted to describe about pain that I wish I could but can't!!
I love how you ended it! There is a beauty in pain...It's bittersweet!! It's a teacher that no one wants and a lesson that hurts to learn!!
I have learned to cope with physical pain by relaxing into it...I learned the more I fought the pain the worse the pain felt, because we tense up and stiffen up
So i learned to lay down close my eyes and embrace it ...let it wash over me like the waves washes over me in the ocean...and I allow every part of it to cover me...and I don't struggle...It's the only thing that actually lessons the pain for me
Is for me to acknowledge and allow it to be there...and not struggle...even though my brain wants to...I let the pain hug me like a passionate lovers demanding hold
And cover me like a blanket!! Then slowly slowly slowly it eases to a more bearable degree not gone, not erased but bareable
Oh dear undiagnosed autistic girl "without a backbone"... I may be projecting here, but exhausting yourself by bending over backwards in an attempt to become someone that others find palatable, useful, needed... well, that was just us following the rules patriarchy set out and polite society expected. It takes time, and pain, to break free of the faulty and harmful rules we were once conditioned to obey.
Also, your writing is utterly beautiful. This is an understatement, but I don't have you way with words! x
Thank you. And yes, it doesn’t work. The only way forward is authenticity and living a life that’s true to you regardless of what anyone else expects you to be. I’m done changing myself to make other people comfortable.
This is very much besides the point of your essay, which I appreciate for it's grit and integrity, but I'm curious what you meant by "a man who doesn't love men." It almost sounds like you fell in love with someone who couldn't love you in return, but I'm not sure that's what you meant. It reminds me so much of myself, but I don't want to assume.
Oh NOT what I meant at all Jennie - it was a typo! I've just corrected it. I meant "a man who didn't love me."
Okay! We are on the same page :) so, I've never suffered from chronic pain, but my childhood trauma fueled a desperation for convincing drug addicts to get clean. I believed that my unwavering devotion and care would eventually save them from whatever they were trying to numb, and that I would be special for doing it. I was "real," as you put it: the one who took real time to understand their real fears and offer real support and real love. It's painful to think that's what I believed back then. What a waste of everyone's time and energy. Talk about a REAL maladaptive coping mechanism. It wasn't until I looked inward at my own pain instead of focusing on other people's (particularly boys who used drugs, because I was in high school with daddy issues at the time), that I allowed my pain to have a voice. And she was fucking angry. Anyway, I appreciate your line "security and numbness are not the antidote we think they are" because I used to think this was very literal, that numbness came directly from getting drunk or high. After therapy, I realized that my form of security (perfectionism) and my form of numbness (outward focus on others) were also destructive (just different). While in therapy, my pain shifted. Pain became discomfort. Discomfort meant change, which meant I was moving away from my maladaptive mechanisms. It took faith to believe things would be better when it felt so damn uncomfortable. But, it worked. The therapy techniques that worked for me allowed my brain to work with itself instead of against me. Chronic pain, however, must be an entirely different beast, but maybe it's similar to mental trauma. Something vital to our being is wounded, and it fucking hurts. The pain can be touch and go (like nerve pain, I've heard. I believe you described it well: a kiss of something sharp that was over before it ever really began). If that isn't nerve pain, let me know. Other pain is seemingly permanent. It's a dull pain that exists in the background, lurking. My comment is very long now, and I'm sorry for that! Thank you, though, for sparking these thoughts for me. I hope your back pain eases up soon.
Thank you for sharing this Jennie. It is amazing how much childhood trauma shapes us. And I resonate so much with using perfectionism and an outward focus on others as another method of moving away from ourselves. And the anger hiding behind the pain - most definitely.
I’m so glad that you found value in therapy and that it’s helped you to work with yourself.
I always describe the mental part of chronic pain the most difficult for me, personally. Like yes, there’s physical pain sharp and swift but also coupled with an ever-present dull ache and restricted movement in my own case. But there’s also the isolation of pacing and trying to breathe through it at 3am completely alone. I have a really supportive partner and incredible people around me, but unless someone has been through the same thing, they can’t relate which makes it even more isolating.
So what do you do with it then? In my case, it’s see the value in it. Pain narrows your focus to what is really important. It cuts through the bullshit so you can clearly see what’s working and what’s not, what’s supporting your physical/mental/emotional health and what’s not.
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me. This is exactly why I came to Substack and thank you for the well wishes!